New one liners

New one liners. In the left side, there's nothing right. He made so many. ‘Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. Try everything once except incest and folk dancing. 82. Laughter bonds us and reinforces our relationships. 67 % / 2422 votes. “PMS jokes are not funny — period!”. Because it’s always jammin’. Jan 2, 2022 · As Not Seen on TV 5. Enter these funny one-liners. God must love stupid people. Life is like a bird. “I may be old, but Mar 13, 2023 · Brian Kiley is here with the best one-liners you'll hear this week, or maybe ever! In this clip from his first ever Dry Bar Comedy special Brian Kiley tells I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. – Eddie Izzard. 50% namaste. In the right side, there's nothing left. Laugh and cry all the way to Season 3 with these 80+ best quotes. As Wikipedia puts it “ a good one liner is said to be pithy. A boomerang comes back. 64. If one doesn’t land, just move on to the next one because that’s the beauty of the Feb 9, 2024 · It’s feeling crummy. " Me: "Awesome, thank you. 9. See TOP 10 fat one liners. ” -Homer Simpson. Page 4. Stock up on silly dad jokes and corny puns with these hilarious one-liners. It's a filibuster. One liner tags: insults, intelligence, rude, stupid. Dec 31, 2021 · Albert Einstein. One liner tags: age, alcohol, attitude, life Absolutely hillarious Christmas one-liners! The largest collection of Christmas one-line jokes in the world. " "Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape. . May 19, 2023 · And a shot of tequila. Great for a laugh, Bible study, or sermon illustration. The 20 best lines from W1A. Jan. That time is, apparently, 9:00. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me. Paddy, or Patrick, is a popular Irish name, and you won’t be hard-pushed to find an Irish person whose surname begins with ‘O’. Mock The Week Compilation by Gary Delaney - all 18 Wheel of news sets . “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Jan 13, 2015 · Funny One Liner Jokes. If I hit the ball right, it’s a slice and when I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. Nothing's easier than a simple one-liner. See TOP 10 sarcastic one liners. That is wrong on so many different levels. That way she can't hit me with them. 2 gay cowboys talking to each other, one says 'yup', the other says 'yep'. As the famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge once said, "Laughter is the closest distance between two people. Dec 26, 2023 · The friend says, “That’s fine, I like to fight!”. The animated history of the Hundred Years War, a long drawn out battle. When I was a kid getting put to bed at 9:00, I couldn’t wait until I was a grown-up and could stay up until whatever time I wanted. The Absolutely hilarious one liners! The largest collection of the best one line jokes in the world. A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it sum ting Wong. I will only eat white snow. Back in five minutes. " If you've ever shared a joke with a close friend, you know that's true. I say, ‘You can if you use bacon as bait. ” Jan 16, 2024 · 8. See TOP 10 dirty one liners. - Tim Vine. 7. 93. It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane. 122 School Jokes That Won’t Land You in Detention r/oneliners. I will spend less than $2000 on coffee at Starbucks this year. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove Nov 29, 2023 · These one liners and puns will make for lots of laughs about new beginnings for adults and kids alike. Mar 13, 2023 · Brian Kiley is here with the best one-liners you'll hear this week, or maybe ever! In this clip from his first ever Dry Bar Comedy special Brian Kiley tells Aug 21, 2019 · The 50 Best Jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2017. Checked this morning, though, and… Continue reading Aug 30, 2023 · What's your favourite Jimmy Carr one-liner? Let us know down below! 👇 - Welcome to Jimmy Carr's official YouTube channel, where you can find all the best bits from his stand-up comedy shows, TV Dec 20, 2023 · The most one-liners you'll ever hear in a comedy show might be this full special from Brian Kiley. One liner tags: fat, friendship, New Year. 8. 91. Larry Miller, as quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes For All Occasions. It's a faux pa. 14 % / 626 votes. The guy warns his friend that there is going to be a lot of s*x. Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. 08 % / 4583 votes. "A new eco opera, Rainforest Ocean Blue, is a disaster. 25 % / 1967 votes. One liner tags: age, car, women. 28. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. By Tim Latterner. Dec 6, 2023 · Enjoy a hilarious stand-up comedy set as Gary Delaney brings his witty one-liners to the Apollo stage, weaving through Christmas traditions, personal anecdot Dec 31, 2021 · Start 2021 with a laugh and enjoy these hilarious jokes, puns, memes, and one-liners about the New Year. The second says, “I’ll have half a beer. " I meet so many assholes at work, it’s ridiculous. One liner tags: attitude, communication, marriage. What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other. 81 % / 781 votes. One Liners and Short Jokes. One liner tags: Father's Day, marriage. Charles Dickens. “If I had a star for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty. My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv. All sorted from the best by our visitors. Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality… I lay back, looked at the sparkling stars, and thought “someone has stolen my tent”. “Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow. Today i saw my Vegan neighbors arguing about the Big Mac Wrapper that i tossed into the back seat of their car. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here. People tell me I’m condescending. The biggest laughs come from jokes that take little more than a 2 days ago · One liner of the day - Jun 2, 2024. Spread the word ♥. Jan 15, 2019 · 47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet. The joke should fit into one or two sentences. Philip K. This approach plays on common stereotypes to create humor that’s both relatable and surprising. com. 44 % / 87 votes. I’m after you now. More funny quote jokes. IE 11 is not supported. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. (1879 – 1961) English conductor. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. 78. Sep 29, 2023 · 55. You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me. 84. The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer 95 Intelligence One Liners - The funniest intelligence jokes - OneLineFun. Dec 16, 2022 · Ring in 2023 with these 60 hilarious New Year's jokes, memes and one-liners. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. The guy says, “It doesn’t matter, it is just gonna be you and me. ‘A new heart for a New Year, always!’. Thanks to u/Different-Ganache486 Reddit thread on the funniest New Girl one liners we were able to compile a list that had us laughing out loud! Doesn't matter if you like Jess the best, or think that Winston's quotes are the funniest, or you Sep 7, 2023 · She looked surprised. – Unknown. It’s pretty until it shits on your head. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow. 10. '”. I will return to school to avoid paying my student loans. 27. 10 % / 78 votes. 45. In golf, the balls lie poorly and the players lie well. Beliefs Intelligence Mind. A list of useful, humorous Christian one-liners, adages, and pithy statements. Page 6. What do snowmen like to do on New Year’s Eve? Chill out. 43. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said, Then I realized they can handle it themselves. See TOP 10 flirty one liners. 95 % / 122 votes. To the person who stole my place in the queue. Jul 28, 2023 · 41. “I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money. I'm learning to joust in the evenings. Find out what others are saying and sharing. 37 % / 2118 votes. ———-. They’re short, sweet, and often times very clever! Here we have compiled a list of over 200 one liner jokes that will surely tickle your funny bone. My printer’s name is Bob Marley. 79 % / 489 votes. 85. One liner tags: age, alcohol, puns. Credit: Unsplash/ Priscilla Du Preez. “I mentioned to my wife that her eyebrow sketches were lofty. The friend says, “That’s fine, I like s*x”. “I bought Feb 28, 2022 · Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. 25, 2024. You are bigger than that! One liner tags: attitude, fat, insults. 81. share. One liner tags: puns, sport. Dec 1, 2022 · Think of it as Seinfeld versus Chapelle: Both are funny, but only one comedian can play in the background while your 10-year-old is still awake. See TOP 10 witty one-liners. Sep 22, 2023 · Whether you're searching for some new one-liners or just looking for a reason to smile, this list of the funniest corny jokes is sure to tickle your funny bone. Page 2. One liner tags: beauty, intelligence, life, money, sarcastic. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. See TOP 10 Valentines one liners. From classic to new, we've got it all! Dec 31, 2021 · This week’s puns and one liners take the form of Sparkling Jokes. '. 44 from: 18 votes. Tom Ward (2015) “I really wanted Jul 29, 2019 · 110 of the best clean jokes and one-liners to make the whole family laugh. If you have ever watched the way people’s faces light up upon hearing a joke, then you’d know that Victor Borge was right. When he talks, it isn't a conversation. 22, 2024, 9:01 PM UTC By Sarah Lemire Mar 2, 2023 · 'Ted Lasso' is full of wins, losses, character development and amazing one-liners. Entertainment Life Folk dancing. It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim. 98 % / 735 votes. Aug 29, 2019 · The best one-liners are infectious; forcing you to laugh. 67. New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar. My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier. “Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. These clever jokes will lift your Aug 3, 2023 · One word: Comedy! In the words of famous pianist and conductor Victor Borge, “Laughter is the closest distance between two people. January 13, 2015 by LaffGaff. One does well to separate one's career from one's life. Nov 28, 2023 · 19. It’s always amazing to us how so much wit and double meaning can be encapsulated in such short jokes. That though is the beauty of good one liners. Jul 26, 2022 · Over the years, it has attracted 150k subscribers and people are still quite actively posting new jokes there. See TOP 10 Christmas one liners. Page 2022. – Phil Wang. 63. Jan 6, 2023 · Find funny puns, corny one-liners and bad-but-good jokes that even Dad would approve of. All time funniest One Liner jokes and comebacks. The first says, “I’ll have a beer. “I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust. “They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. It must be time to up my medication! One liner tags: insults, life, marriage, men, women. You can't believe everything you Mar 26, 2024 · The funniest New Year’s jokes and puns. They have the power to take big subjects – politics, love, marriage, sex, death – and cut through them with the precision of a surgeon May 16, 2023 · From one-liners to corny puns, the best and funniest dad jokes will get the whole family laughing. My mum always used to say "40 is the new 30". 79. Feb 2, 2017 · The Best One Liners in no particular order from the past 87 Years- The criteria were based on originality, cleverness, and how the jokes inspired generations Dec 16, 2022 · Ring in 2023 with these 60 hilarious New Year's jokes, memes and one-liners. Updated: Jan. I will stop licking frozen flagpoles. One liner tags: family, insults. Brilliant one liner jokes. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. 5. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: stuff you pay good money for in later life. Aug 22, 2023 · Everyday Quirks One-Liners. I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. “It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally. I went to the doctor the other day I said 'have you got anything for wind', so he gave me a kite. Updated regularly to bring you the best one liner jokes and witty comebacks on the web. 92. 11. 62) Out of my mind. All rated by visitors and sorted from the best. Absolutely hillarious flirty one-liners! The largest collection of flirty one-line jokes in the world. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Well, funny people, we hope you enjoyed our collection of 55 inappropriate one-liners that had you laughing until your sides hurt. Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick. Dec 28, 2022 · I will stop drinking orange juice right after brushing my teeth. One liner tags: Christmas, happiness, kids, rude. 6. 'Crime in multi-storey car parks. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. From witty one-liners to clever puns, these short Christmas jokes are perfect for spreading holiday cheer! Aug 27, 2023 · Get ready to laugh out loud on the golf course with our 100 hilarious slogans golf puns one liners. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan O’Brien. "Your finest Scotch, please. ”. Oprah Winfrey. 50% fuck off. Some may even say impossible. She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she'll mark the exact spot. (1928 – 1982) American novelist, short story writer & essayist. 72 % / 5506 votes. She raised an eyebrow. Jul 15, 2006 · A list of useful, humorous Christian one-liners, adages, and pithy statements. iStock. 1. 123 votes. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Thomas Beecham. The doctor shrugs, "Then don't stand up in the morning. ’. – Steven Wright. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 29. “At my age, ‘Happy Hour’ is a nap. Lovely woman banned from driving. There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas. (Leans in real close) That means I talk down to people. ‘Be at War with your Vices, at Dec 18, 2023 · One Liner jokes are the perfect way to lighten up a conversation and get some laughs. Absolutely hillarious fat one-liners! The largest collection of fat one-line jokes in the world. You should never say anything to a woman that even hints that you think she's pregnant. These quick and witty jokes are easy to memorize and share. Life is about balance. I just can’t set it aside!”. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Friend: "I don't want to bore you with my problems. One-liners on life are short and sweet ways of having a good laugh at life's ironies. 97 % / 644 votes. 103 Age One Liners - The funniest age jokes - OneLineFun. “My bed’s an One Direction! Rate it! This One-liner joke is rated: 2. It takes guts to be an organ donor. 12 % / 1724 votes. Jan 11, 2021 · 30 minutes of best one-liners. Nothing gets a good laugh better than a well-placed one-liner—and we could all use a little laughter. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. 64) A perfectionist walked into a bar…Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough. One liner tags: animal, death, rude, sarcastic. Losing a wife can be very tough. 35 % / 1819 votes. “My hearing may not be what it used to be, but neither is my cooking. In his first ever full Dry Bar Comedy special Brian Kiley rattles off rapid fire jokes that are 79. The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it. "You keep using that word. Not only is it awful, it’s awful. 88 % / 9119 votes. One liner tags: beauty, life. “Diving into a book on floating in space. The friend asks what he should wear. 42. Here at LaffGaff, we love funny one liner jokes. Before we wrap things up, we want to remind you that if you enjoyed these inappropriate one-liner jokes, you're going to love our range of WTF Notebooks! Jul 26, 2020 · We've picked some of our favourite one-liners and short jokes from Britain's finest comics to help us get through self-isolation. One liner tags: black, racist. Stephen, 44, Proctologist. — Jerry Seinfeld. Absolutely hillarious sarcastic one-liners! The largest collection of sarcastic one-line jokes in the world. Mar 8, 2019 · Taken (2008) It was in 2009, while in his mid 50s, that Liam Neeson discovered a very particular set of skills – gravelly line-readings, a death-stare for the ages, and a capacity for rapid-fire action – that would launch a whole new chapter of his career: Liam Neeson, Action Star! Jun 1, 2018 · And when you want to impress your friends with your movie knowledge, check out these 30 Movie Facts That Will Blow Your Mind. This is the second clip from my second special Comedy Club Classics 2014-2017 which is available as a free download if you join my share. 65 % / 77 votes. Jan 22, 2024 · Bring on the laughs with these funny, family-friendly one-liners that are safe for work, school and everywhere else. “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber. “On my whiskey diet, I’ve misplaced a few days this week. You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney. One liner tags: animal, attitude, life. It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. “I’m so old that when I was a kid, rainbows were in black and white. If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a racist, I'd have enough money for a black guy to rob me and a jew to pick up the coins Jun 8, 2023 · If you’re looking to impress your girlfriend, try out these romantic and playful one liner pick up lines. Dick. Jul 11, 2023 · Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms. Take your pick Absolutely hillarious dirty one-liners! The largest collection of dirty one-line jokes in the world. Jun 16, 2023 · Jun 16, 2023. Just dance. Funny one liners. “I don’t grapple with madness; I relish its every tick. You sound reasonable. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy. “I must be a snowman, because I’ve got the chills for you. An elderly man goes to the doctor, "It hurts to stand up in the morning. Absolutely hillarious Valentines one-liners! The largest collection of Valentines one-line jokes in the world. “It became so cold in New York last night that it forced the flashers to describe themselves to people. 23. While it requires a delicate balance to avoid crossing into insensitivity, done right, it can poke fun at societal norms in a way that’s both thought-provoking and hilarious. Kicking off our list of funniest and best Irish one-liners is this hilarious play on words. You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. Mar 25, 2021 · 40 One-Liner Jokes That'll Crack Up Your Friends. 91 Music Jokes That Totally Rock 27. With that in mind, here are 76 super corny one-liners for kids that get to the punchline as quickly as possible. 72. Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. “If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round. Apr 14, 2022 · Clean One Liner Jokes. Nobody cares if you can't dance. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. I will get divorced and remarried just once this year. Whether you’re looking for something silly or witty, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face. Ahead, we’re sharing some of the best dad jokes of all time and some that might be new to you. If I hit the ball left, it’s a hook. One liner tags: marriage. 45 % / 346 votes. 63) I own the world’s worst thesaurus. " -. 76. Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer. These 100 jokes are free from Apr 24, 2024 · 25. One liner tags: love, marriage. Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. People think New Years is a life-changing event. Update September 2019: I’ve created quote and Bible memes that I share on my Instagram page and, eventually, post to this site. 37 % / 2726 votes. One liner tags: happiness, rude. Apr 22, 2024 · 95 votes. All of them are nice and short, and they will make sure you have plenty of new jokes to tell as January 1 approaches and you start getting ready to make those traditional New Year's recipes. " One liner tags: communication, friendship, rude, sarcastic. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. Not to fear, there are plenty of dad jokes in there too. 3. Regardless of the temptation, don't lick a steak knife. Page 10. Whether you're ending 2022 with friends, family or by yourself, we all need a little cheer to start off the new year Random. 2. Absolutely hilarious one liners! The largest collection of the best one line jokes in the world. 44. -. It’s simple psychology. 61) I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already. "She doesn't even go here!" Mean Girls (2004) -Damian ( Daniel Franzese) calling out an overly-enthusiastic speaker at an anti-bullying assembly. Whether you're ending 2022 with friends, family or by yourself, we all need a little cheer to start off the new year Jul 15, 2006 · Christian One Liners. Feb 29, 2024 · Paddy O’Furniture – a funny play on Irish names. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth. Oct 17, 2009 · On my desk, I have a work station. 26. 22 % / 1639 votes. In the description, the subreddit creator explains what is a one-liner: “A one-liner is a succinct, funny or witty remark. 30. 24. Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (1877) May 22, 2024 · New Girl is one of the funniest sitcoms out there! Not to mention one of the easiest shows to quote. Utilize Stereotype-Based Banter. In August 2020, Apple TV+ introduced the If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. Forgot to put the lid back on my sparkling bottle last night. The most devastating force in the world is gossip. One liner tags: age, money, retirement, sarcastic, work. All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Oct 10, 2019 · Drives would go a lot straighter if swearing and club throwing helped them go where you wanted the ball to go. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. 24 New Year One Liners - The funniest New Year jokes - OneLineFun. We would like to show you a description here but the site won’t allow us. 17 % / 36 votes. um sl ob mu bw zg nm tv lq oj